blame

Sitting in a board meeting this evening, the topic turned to childcare and the high expulsion rates due to behavior problems. A fellow board member turned to her neighbor and asked, "What's wrong with kids these days?"

The neighbor's response to this question made my blood boil -- "Parents don't know how to say NO anymore!"



A seasoned advocate like me who is accustomed to calmly re-educating idiots like this one without showing contempt should have been able to handle this comment quite easily. Trouble was, my professional advocate hat flew off my head, leaving my naked parent position in full view.

My rebuttal was reasonable enough, but I'm sure I sounded pretty defensive.



As a parent of 2 (out of 3) kids who spent their preschool and early elementary years often on the edge of getting kicked out of their part time childcare placements, I resent that cocky, oversimplified naive belief that anything behaviorally wrong with a child is the parents' fault.



I'm not a perfect parent by any means. My biggest regret in life is not believing how quickly childhood passes and how important it is to enjoy and make the most of every moment, because before you know it, it's gone. I wasted plenty of precious moments. Still, I'm articulate, literate, educated and practical. I breastfed exclusively for 6 months, parented by the book (Dr Sears and What to Expect) and did the best I could with what I had at the time. I read to my kids daily, provided enriching experiences, respected them as people and yes, set limits and said "No." On the downside, I had a sucky marriage, no money and too much anger. Is that what did it? Is that what sent my boys down the path of emotional/behavioral difficulties? Is it genetic, or is the larger problem in childcares? Could it be the fact that these childcare workers are working from instinct rather than studying and implementing best practice?



I told my fellow board members about a new state initiative to train all early childhood workers in a particular pyramid method of interacting with children and how helpful it will be if everyone uses the same proven, effective techniques. They nodded with what looked like understanding.



On my way home I thought about the "it's all the parents' fault" belief that's so prevalent in our society. After some reflection, I realized that I delayed seeking help for my kids because I believed it, too, and I figured that if I caused it, I should fix it. I tried... and tried and tried, and did not succeed. My first child received no early intervention services because I didn't have the courage to ask for help and admit I broke my kid. With my 3rd child, I wasn't so proud anymore -- in the middle of a relatively calm divorce, I got help.



Comparing kids is like apples and oranges, as every child is different. I firmly believe that you can apply the same remedy to 2 different kids and get very different results. Even so, I can't ignore the fact that my eldest, who received no early intervention, is still struggling, while the youngest, after therapeutic preschool and mental health services, seems to have gotten over his difficulties and is now, at 9, soaring.